Wake up and get your ass back to work!
It seems like I should have a webpage. I have had the page for a long time, but I never find a way to use it. It feels strange to publish stuff, but still I am fighting to make this happen. Why?
I have removed most of my posts tonight. They didn't feel relevant any more. A year has already pasted since I graduated and this page was created for me to use as way of register my processes and to share my thoughts and interest and questions that came up while working. That never happened...maybe I don't need this page. Maybe I should just keep on writing in word and keep everything hidden. But that feels a bit cowardly. I find it scary to share, but also so activating and useful.
Being a bit forced to publish might be a way to keep my self busy and to keep me activated in my work. But that has been a bit problematic for me this last year. Being a freelancer is serious stuff. It is hard and I am not very good at it. Not yet at least. I might get there some day.
I think what has been hard the last year, when it comes to my work, is that I have mostly just tried to figure out what to do in the future. The here and now has been in the future, the present time is occupied with what is going to happen and not with what is happening. This does not feel satisfying. Maybe that is why this page can be useful for me. It could be a way for me to link the past, present and the future.
Where have I been, where am I now and where am I going?
Maybe if I see this page as a working space, something will happen. If this is a space where I can work. As if it was my office. This is the place I go when I need to think and write. I don't need to go somewhere, I have my office right here all the time. It does something to me when I write in this space instead of in word.
Word is a very closed space. A secret space and everything can come to the surface (and that is not always necessary), but when I know that someone else might read this, it might do something with my focus.
It seems like my work has been sleeping for a long time, waiting for the future to wake it up again. Probably we needed this sleep, my work and me. But sleeping is only useful when it makes me feel more awake. Too much sleep makes me numb, too little sleep makes me frenetic, but when it is just enough it keeps alert. And that is the feeling and state I need to be in: alert and activated.